Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

lol

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.