judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
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ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
This will never not be funny to me.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.