Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

twitter users today:

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.