judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
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We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Otters see a butterfly.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.