Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
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love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Wait a second…
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves