Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

I made up a story for my daughter at bedtime about a friendly elephant. And how he was nice to everyone, even the hyenas who were mean to him. But then I got scared I was teaching her to not stand up for herself, so I ended the story with him killing all the hyenas.

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.