Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Word!

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

this is the most humiliating day of my life

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car