Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

*limbos under the caution tape

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

ㅤ

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

Bros before Ohioes

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

just arby’s bein’ a bro

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.