Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
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i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
A small tragedy.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.