Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I ate everything, including the H.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨