Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

❤️

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.