Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
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met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*