Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
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“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.