Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
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To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Saw online –
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing