Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

Science is fun!

#nottrue

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

Get off my horse you stupid moon

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week