Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
You Might Also Like
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”