Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
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I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
i made a craigslist ad !
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
SONOFA
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list