judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
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MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked