judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
yeah no that’s fair
What the hell happened in there??
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.