judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
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Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.