Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.