Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.