Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round