Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Generation gap…
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
