Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.