Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
yea so i messed up lol
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
