Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.