Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
You Might Also Like
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
cry laughing at this shit
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff