Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
