Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.