Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”