Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
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You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I put the I in Insufferable.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.