Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
You Might Also Like
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?