Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
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Is fructose made with real fruct?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?