JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
My flabber has been gasted.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.