Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

SQUARREL

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.