Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
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Just a reminder, folks:
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly