Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
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I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.