Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I beg your pardon?
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I must learn to listen to myself when I tell myself to shut up.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something