Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

Rich people don’t understand cereal

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

nice challenge

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.