Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?

Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

?

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.