Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
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Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.