@natechartier1

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

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@climaxximus

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

@Matt_The_1st

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

@RonanFarrow

“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.

@internetluke

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

@TheSharona06

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

@UncleDuke1969

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

@CruisinSoozan

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

@KenJennings

SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can’t get out of this room