Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Cake safety first. Always.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”