Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace


Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining


“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.


[finds money in jacket]
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?


My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.


Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer


Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.


Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN


SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can’t get out of this room