Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
You Might Also Like
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
#oldknees
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”