Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

I think this might be relevant today.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb