I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends
EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Waitress: what will it be?
Me: I’ll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side
W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake?
M: yes please
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs