@Browtweaten

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

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@dumbbeezie

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

@Holy_Mowgli

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

@bourgeoisalien

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

@MUMSIEesq

ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends

EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh

@flashember

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

@ThugRaccoons

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

@Harbinger_one

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

@DaddyJew

Waitress: what will it be?

Me: I’ll have the rum cake but with the rum on the side

W: so u want a glass of rum & a cupcake?

M: yes please

@Shade510

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs