Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?