I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Me: —pre born
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.