@Reverend_Scott

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

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@DionneMcNutt

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

@nikkithecanuck

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver

@sixfootcandy

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

@skittle624

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

@Chhapiness

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

@Parker_Simpson

this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight

@BuckyIsotope

November
Echo
Victor
Echo
Romeo
Golf
Oscar
November
November
Alfa
Golf
India
Victor
Echo
Yankee
Oscar
Uniform
Uniform
Papa

@JermHimselfish

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.