JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
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Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
i spent way too long on this
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.