Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Only you can prevent podcasts

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas