Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Stop being racist to kettles.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money