Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

My birth announcement for our third baby

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.