Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

Clients after you give them your rates

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.