Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

The best shot in the history of golf

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.