Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

My dad teaching me to drive

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1636406771978846230/pu/vid/460x688/JlHJxKB2tC0vrisy.mp4?tag=12

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”