Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

A Short Story.

cyclists

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

Dead
Alive
Other✔

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

Nothing to do, you say?

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.