Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.