JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
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My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Dolls on drugs
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class