JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
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Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.