Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
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Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.