Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

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Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.


Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”


the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats


So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.


I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]


Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.


7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait


[phone rings]
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.


He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG