Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
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I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.