Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]