Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

The asteroid..

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.