@ShortSleeveSuit

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

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@mommajessiec

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

@sarahjoyshockey

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

@DrakeGatsby

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

@AngryRaccoon2

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

@Ygrene

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

@TheMichaelRock

Me: We need to hire smarter people.

HR: Why?

Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this?

HR…

@sad_tree

*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog*
*aliens respond*
Alien: Whats Updog?
NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there

@gato_fumando

i’ll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man

@ericsshadow

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.