While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
if we all get face tattoos…they cant not hire all of us
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Me: We need to hire smarter people.
Me: Is there someone smarter I can talk to about this?
*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog*
Alien: Whats Updog?
NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there
i’ll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.