My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella
Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*