I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I’ve been waking up with a headache for years
Unfortunately I’m married to it.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*pretends floor is lava*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.