JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?


JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

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I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey


Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”


All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.


WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?


NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.


Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”


I’ve been waking up with a headache for years

Unfortunately I’m married to it.


Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?


*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*


Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.