@ShortSleeveSuit

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

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@Jesssicle

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

@krisv_723

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

@WilliamAder

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

@didifalldown

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

@NickAmadeus

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

@PhuktUpScott

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

@weinerdog4life

My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.

@Mom_Overboard

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

@poutinesmoothie

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*