ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
You know you’re the family addict when it’s time to light birthday candles & everyone looks at you knowing you have a lighter in your pocket
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?