JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Story of my life…..
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I don’t get marriage
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
lost dog
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?