JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
You Might Also Like
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
me 2 months after i graduated
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage