JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit