Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
absolutely not
☠️☠️☠️
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise