Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
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Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Left at a local drug store…
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
no cat here
