Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
You Might Also Like
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before