JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
When you’re here for the treats.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.