JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
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No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two