Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

security at the airport getting more straightforward

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

That’s easy for you to say