Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN