Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
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Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.