Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭