Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”