Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Best spoiler warning ever

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….