JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
happy halloween
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra