JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Need this in my life lol
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Good morning
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?